MAR 20

I unclog my nose in your general direction

THE GRACEFUL ART OF NEGOTIATING

Arthur and his few remaining men are mysteriously transported by boat to the sacred castle wherein lies the grail. Arthur approaches the castle and begins to give thanks to God until he realizes that the keeper of the castle is the French guard from the second scene. Again, the guard taunts Arthur in an exaggerated French accent and boasts of outwitting the English a second time.  Furious, Arthur demands entrance to the castle as commanded by God. In response, the guards unleash both a torrent insults, “I wave my private parts at your aunties,” “I unclog my nose at you,” “You tiny-brained wipers of other people’s bottoms,” and a bucket of excrement. The row continues with more insults, more demands, and more excrement until Team English decides to regroup in the forest. We know Arthur won’t back down, and so somehow he and Bedevere conjure up a huge army to attack the castle, replete with requisite battle preparation shots to build anticipation. Arthur issues the order to charge the castle and off they go to the film’s climax.

Let’s pretend this is English Literature class and we are studying Monty Python and the Holy Grail as masterwork of literature. Your professor suggests that the exchange between the French Guard and Arthur is a metaphor for the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Your reaction is:
 
a. My professor has been smoking weed.
b. This exchange could be a metaphor for any warring nations.
c. This exchange is representative of all conflicts in general.
d. My, how they’ve escalated to a full-out war so quickly.
e. Perhaps we should call in some heavy-duty negotiators.
 
Correct!
Like Arthur, many people believe that the way to winning a conflict is through the use of powerful persuasion, reasoned logic, forceful arguments, or just force in general. This is symptomatic of being stuck in the war paradigm. However, anyone skilled in the art of negotiation knows that the key to success is to find new ways to meet the objectives of both sides. This is why it is called a win/win. Instead of starting from a particular position and then compromising or forcing the other party to compromise, win/win negotiations start by determining the root objectives of each party. Then it requires some out-of-the-box thinking to determine how to best meet those objectives. Typically, the negotiated solution looks nothing like the "positions" each party walks in door with and the best part is that everyone walks away a winner.

The only downside to win/win negotiations is that it's just not as much fun as forcing someone else to do your bidding. I mean, the French Guard wouldn't be funny at all if he asked Arthur what he wanted.   Here's just a taste of the The French Guard’s Guide to Negotiation:
 
1.       Preparation: What? I blow coca-cola out my nose at you because preparation is for big, fat dumb-ass, bottom-of-the-dung-heap losers. There’s no need to know what all your options are, because there is only one option – you get your way. Don’t bother learning about their situation, either. They’re big, fat, dumb-ass LOSERS.  The only preparation you need is enough insults to use once you win.
 
2.       Assumptions:  The only assumption you need to uncover is that the other side are IDIOTS!  And that your mother was a bed-pan and your father a square of the paper of the toilet. No one is bringing any baggage or has any biases or beliefs that need to be unearthed before an agreement can be made. Of course, only you are perfectly reasonable, and it is they that makes crazy demands and has crazy beliefs.  And you smell like elephant dung draped on limburger stuck to the bottom of a wet tennis shoe.
 
3.       Commitment: Go ahead, negotiate to WIN, at all costs. It’s not like your opponent will resent you or try to renege on an unfair deal or do everything in their power to sabotage it. You overbearing, empty-headed, not-a-single-thought-for-the-future addled gimp, as long as you force your way on everyone else, you are the WINNER. 

 

 

Posted by Karen Phelan.